Friday, December 10, 2010

The Tourist

“Welcome to “movie math” readers!  Please answer the following question.”

Angelina Jolie+ Johnny Depp + Movie = ?

“Go ahead….what do you think the answer is? Go ahead and shout them out!”


“A box-office smash hit!”

“Greatest movie of all time!”

“Oscar nominations!”

“Good answers children/readers/old people.  But sadly you are wrong.  This is one of the more difficult math problems because when you add two of the greatest actors of all time to a movie, you would expect the answers that were given.  But children, you forgot that a movie does not just consist of the actors.  There are actually many elements that make a perfect movie besides just the actors….like a PLOT! Ok, you all fail. Please read the following for your next assignment and we will review the question again.”

I was SO disappointed. I am just sad.  Sad, sad, sad.  I will say it again. Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are some of the greatest actors of our time.  This movie was sure to succeed.   Too bad it failed miserably instead.

I don’t blame the actors.  Angelina was great and Depp was ok.  I mean, you can only act out a crappy script so well. The plot of this movie was absurd.  Completely and ridiculously absurd.   The whole movie was based on the concept of identity theft.  Yeah, lame.  I mean, how many of us, who have had their identity stolen have thought to ourselves, “yeah, this would be a great movie!” Oh yeah, none of us because that is the lamest story ever.

So I failed chemistry in high school, but I didn’t need to get an A to know that the chemistry in this movie failed completely.  Sorry Johnny, you are way out of Angelina’s league.

The music in this movie was completely off.  It was some creepy, classical lullaby that was trying to put you to sleep the whole time.  I wish I would have fallen asleep because I probably could have dreamt up something a lot more exciting than the movie( cue Inception.)

There was no action.  SALT was such a good movie because Angelina kicked some serious booty.  While watching The Tourist I kept hoping that Angelina would bust out some of her sick moves and beat up a bunch of guys. Nope, she just played some lame British chick that didn’t know anything.  Depp was ok, but not great by any means.  He was pretty unfunny, but did his best with what he had to work with.  He was asked to build a sand castle without any sand. (Ok, that was a really stupid metaphor, but it worked.)

Save your money.  Don’t go. Or go. Do whatever.  It’s a free country.


  1. Well Justin, I wouldn't have thought that we watched the same movie, even though I was just a few seats down from you. While yes, it was a little slow, I don't see why there are so many haters. It was creative and I thought there were a lot of laughs from the audience (personally I didn't laugh because it would have caused a coughing fit). Go see the movie! Not great, but good.

  2. Reilly, you didn't laugh because you don't know how. Remember?

  3. You failed chemistry in high school? How did you keep that from me?

  4. johnny depp will forever be a pirate in my mind. my brain can't comprehend that he is a regular human being that showers and stuff.